I have spent almost  a decade of my life pursuing knowledge, mentors, and any help, in any form, that I can get. I wanted — no, needed — to get out of my head and break out of the conditions that I had been brought up with. As alluded in many of my posts here, the person I am now is very different from the person I was a few years ago. I know, I know…a lot of people say that they are different now from who they were in the past. And, I am sure that is true. For me, it feels like I have lived two different lives. I grew up in a conservative, uber-protective household where I had no freedom to explore myself beyond living the grind of a cookie-cutter, perfectly idealized, societal manuscript of a life. I had school, I had video games, I had technology. But I had no life. And I knew it.

So, as soon as I could and was able to, I found resources to help me get out, to help me break out. Over the last ten years, through the support of meditation, plant medicine, coaching, support groups, therapy sessions, self-help books and seminars, I have learned so much about how people work, how society works, and how my brain works. I have reprogrammed myself. Now, out of the many abilities (or so they feel), I am able to connect empathetically and energetically with people, share beautiful, meaningful relationships, and I am able to listen and know my boundaries…most of the time. It feels really good to be comfortable with who I am most of the time.

And that is why it sucks so damn much when I fall back into the old patterns of depression, anxiety, and failed relationships — with myself and others. Now that I have tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of the comfort of myself, it sucks when a relationship goes sour because of misunderstandings, when I forget to own my boundaries, or when I am just face planting and ending the connections that I have created. It sucks knowing what I can have on the other side of the struggle, yet sometimes, it feels so far away. In the moments when I am having a panic attack or depressive meltdown, the meditation or reiki just seems so disconnected and far away. None of the nonviolent communication tactics seem to work. And none of the authentic relating with my partner gets us anywhere. Moments like this are hard because it feels like everything I have learned and implemented in my life has been a waste of time because I can't channel them in the moments I need them the most.

But, that's it. It’s not a waste of time because I am aware of the learnings. Because of the teachings, the connections, and the power of knowing myself, I know that failing is inevitable in anything. Life — and everything in it — is a game of ups and downs. And no matter how much we learn, how much we evolve, we are going to fail — and fail hard. The teachings that we have picked up are what help us get back up, at first slowly, and then, at some point, a little faster.