SHADOW Bio
UPDATED: JUNE 2024
This page is meant for my clients, colleagues, and folks who are thinking of working with me. It was inspired by one of my closest brothers, Garrett Rokosh from West Coast Circling, who got the inspiration for this a time when some of the leaders in our community were being canceled for unethical actions.
I don’t imagine none of us are naive enough to think that we’re perfect, or that just because we’re in a healing space doing leadership work that we're complete with our own healing. In an ideal world, the leaders I trust are people with wounds and trauma that they’re still unwinding and working through. But what makes them people of integrity is that they’re willing to own their shortcomings and vulnerabilities. I believe it’s one of the best ways to embody some of these intangible qualities of a leader.
And I suppose if I want that ideal world to be a reality, I should start with myself.
So, here is my best attempt at owning my shadows, trauma, and how I’m working through these.
My Shadows
As a part of my men’s work, I did, have done, and continue to do a thorough inventory of all the relationships in my life that I have held resentment, hurt someone, or had been out of integrity in some way. After looking for what I had to own this is a list of character defects, coping mechanisms and survival strategies I am working on letting go of:
Leaky sexual energy with women
This is a big one.
A big part of me cherishes the approval of women. I’m well aware of this part of myself, and I’ve done a lot of work to heal and integrate this. And I know that sometimes, this part still comes online. Some of the ways this shows up are:
Using power dynamics to receive attraction and validation
Doing or saying impressive things for the purpose of receiving attraction and validation
Going out of my own way to cater to women I’m interested in to show them how tough and strong I am, and that they can lean on me, for the purpose of receiving validation and attraction
Naming my attraction with women as a show of integrity, for the purpose of stirring up something deeper with us
PEOPLE PLEASING
One of my survival mechanisms growing up was fawning over people and getting their validation. As I’ve grown older, I notice how this still shows up in situations, especially with people I look up to or people I feel attracted to. I’ve done a lot of work on this, and I’m a lot more conscious about this pattern. Yet, it’s worth mentioning because if we’re just connecting, I may slip into this before I realize what’s happening.
emotional bypassing
I know that when I’m facilitating, I am in power. I hold an impeccable structure, and when I’m in zone, people are transformed.
And, I know that when I’m not holding space, most of the times, I’m awkward as fuck when it comes to connecting, especially in a group setting. I can’t do casual conversations, and I usually panic with anxiety before I attend any function where I’m not facilitating, because I rarely know how I’m going to act. In these situations, I also fall into some of the aforementioned tendencies and lose touch with my own emotional body.
This is something I’m actively working on, to sit with myself when I’m not holding a group. And to just exist.
My Trauma
My shadows come from trauma.
I grew up as an undocumented immigrant, with strict parents that preached constant fear of authorities and the “others”. I grew up seeing most situations and people as things to avoid, because they were potentially dangerous.
I grew up with extreme supervision from my parents, and not a lot of explicit love. My father to this day hasn’t said the word “I love you” to me, which for the longest time, was one of my wounds. My father is the embodiment of a lot of my fears, insecurities, and shadows. I saw him go from a deeply connected, community driven man to one living in constant fear, anxiety, and heartache. The things I yearn for are depth, genuine curiosity, and support, and it’s because I never received these growing up, and I’ve had to learn how to embody them myself.
And I survived my childhood through making up stories about my life, absent-minded behaviors, and hiding. I did a lot of withholding, people pleasing, fawning, checking out, dissociating, and freezing.
While most of my adult life has been spent rehabilitating these patterns, my base foundation was steeped in these behaviors that are worth mentioning.
My Accountability
So the next question becomes, so what am I doing about all of this? How am I accountable to doing my personal work? How am I navigating my shadows? Who is holding me accountable?
These are some of the ways I’ve worked through my shadows, and how I’ve chosen to heal my trauma:
No Sexual/Romantic Advances
First and foremost, my primary clients are men, followed by couples, followed by women. When I lead co-ed workshops, I make it a point to have a woman co-facilitator. I have created these guidelines for myself to create a safe container for women to feel free, and for them to be with someone who understands them on a biological level.
Additionally, I commit to not advancing sexually or romantically with any one who works with me for at least six months after our encounter. At the beginning of my 1:1 containers with women, I name this commitment.
Additionally, if I begin to notice any connection with any woman who I’m actively working with, I commit to bringing this to the male mentors in my life, and to get clear on what the integral path is.
Lastly, I have done a lot of work around my own wounds with the feminine, the noteworthy one being in a feminine cleanse for a 2 and a half years where I had not connection of any kind with any women, and where I learned to honor my own feminine before reaching out for validation from others. That has been crucial in the work I do with women now, in a much more integral way. And I’m not opposed to going through another cleanse if I find my needy boy activated again.
Mentorship and Connection with Elders
Some of the people who check me one a regular basis are some elder men who I look up to and consider as my mentors. One of them is Adam Seward, an author, and the other one is Sean West, a bodywork practitioner and a medicine man, both living currently in the Sacred Valley. They have guided me and given me truth, especially in my connection with the women in my life, and my questions around my purpose. Besides them, I have a few other mentors, who I have mentioned in my bio.
I have a solid group of mentors who continue to shape me and guide me, and as long as I’m connected to them, I know that I’ll be guided in integrity.
Meditation and Daily Practices
Another commitment I make is not to lead my clients into practices or experiences that I haven’t partaken in myself. My work is experiential in nature, and I can’t justifiably share it if I haven’t done it myself. Regardless of how it lands with people, I commit to only sharing practices, prompts, and experiences that I have led myself through, more than once, before I share it with others.
In that vein, I commit to a regular practice of yoga, nei gong, breathwork, journaling, time in nature, and time in connection.
Men’s Work
Lastly, my men’s work is of utmost importance to me. These men challenge me, support me, and uplift me. These men are my pillars.
I commit to staying connected to some kind of group as I continue to work as a mentor and a guide. The day I don’t have a support system of men around me is the day I’m no longer qualified to be doing this work.