Being OK with Being Alone
“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” - Hunter S. Thompson
A couple of days ago, a friend sent me an article about the death of Tony Hsieh, one of the co-founders of Zappos. It hit me hard for a few different reasons. First, I grew up around the same time that Zappos took off, and I remember watching ads about it online. I even bought (and returned) a few pair of shoes through them during college. As someone who reads up on a lot of things, not knowing much about what transpired with Zappos and its founder was a little bit heartbreaking. Second, and more importantly, I resonated with Tony's mentality as it mirrors mine in some ways. Granted, I haven't started a community in the scale of what he did in downtown Las Vegas (it is one of my goals); I am also not a billionaire (yet). Rather, I connected with his ideas of being surrounded by happiness, and also occasionally finding the self on the polar opposite of happiness, through the form of feeling alone, and not knowing how to remedy it.
As someone who recently (can one year be still considered recent? I suppose that's subjective) switched countries, leaving behind the familiar to start somewhere anew, the concept of feeling alone is familial. As I've met and interacted and conversed with people however, I realize that it's not something that snaps itself into apparition just upon someone's migration. There isn't a prejudice for this affliction. Regardless of where one falls in the spectrum of wealth, race, gender, religion, sex, and the other things we use to characterize ourselves, this sensation potentially exists for us all. As I've met and interacted and conversed with people, I also have realized that sometimes, we do some really strange things to get around this feeling. Some of us medicate by working really hard; some with drugs; and some through finding someone, who we hope will help lift our burden of being alone. This tactical avoidance maneuver sometimes works, but rarely does it give the full satisfaction of truly sinking into one's being. You see, when we are born, we come here alone. And, when we die, we depart here, also alone. The two bookends of our life happen by our lonesome, and yet, we rush to avoid this thing that is the ultimate truth of our lives. I haven't found this living contradiction to be very helpful in my life. Here's why.
There is nothing truer than the universal fact that we WILL die. Most of us know that, and most of us on some sub-conscious level accept that. Maybe this is why we put so much of our beings into this life, because it is impermanent. We try our hardest to live a life worth living, a life worth looking back at. But rarely do we look at this fact of life through the singular lens. We try to share experiences with others; we create friendships; we fall in love; we acquaint with others - which are all fantastic. But, in having this hyper focus of creating connection with others, we forget to forge the one that's already there - with ourselves. And just like any relationship that isn't nurtured and cared for, the relationship with the self wilts away. That then manifests through all sorts of inauthenticity. For me, that looks like switching from one job to another, leaving one relationship to start another one, doing things to please someone else - chasing some sort of acceptance and belonging that never arrive. Visually, it reminds me of those super tall palm trees that sway in heavy wind, from one side to another. Like one of those trees, I feel myself going away from the root to these different extremes, never quite settling in one place.
That's what happens when we don't tend to the relationship at hand, the one with ourselves. This strange pandemic of a year has shown us how uncomfortable with being alone some of us are. It has tussled with our psyches. Without being able to maintain the connections that we have formed or have been a part of, we are searching for a fix in all sorts of places. I've seen and heard my friends and my families dive even deeper into their work, succumbing to drugs, or staying in relationships that don't serve any longer. I have done some of these myself. By being afraid of being alone, we torture ourselves even further.
In this one life, we are all we have. All of the joy, the euphoria, the grandness that seek - it's within me, as it's within you. Happiness won't ever come by pleasing someone else. I've tried. It's only by discovering within the support and comfort that we seek externally that we can be the best versions for ourselves others, whether that be in a pandemic, or not. And sometimes, that requires being comfortable with the silence, and being with no one but yourself.
