Struck by YOUR Awe
I haven't written for a while. It's not because I haven't had much to write about. Quite the contrary, in fact. So much has happened that it feels like I haven't had the time to properly catch up, and hence the lack of time to sit, process, and deliver.
One of the biggest pieces of self-discovery for me has been how the life I've lived up until now has been a mirage, a lie, for me. I was born; was taken care of by my parents and taught their ways of living; transitioned to schooling systems in different places of the world, which, as different as they may have been, all held the uniform structure of authority and top-down feed, and thereby not suited for curious individuals; and was employed at traditional jobs. And, like a lot of my contemporaries, I ended up being burnt out, exhausted, confused, and depressed. As I've been investigating that passage of time, I realize the reason for that end result was that life wasn't congruent with my beliefs, my feelings, my individuality. At no point did I get a say in what I wanted to do, how I wanted to feel, and who I wanted to be. And now, as I'm working on living according to my beliefs and my ideas, what comes up sometimes is fear, fear of leaving behind what I've lived, who I've lived with, and how I've lived. It feels like a scary proposition, to dive out into the world, for the first time ever. And what's been helping me is rediscovering something that's always been there, just suppressed. And that is what this writing is about.
One of my earliest memories is when I was really young, maybe 5 or so. I was in a rickshaw, with my dad and my younger sister. My dad wanted to spend time with both my sister and I, and me being the eldest, he asked if I wanted to sit on the top of the chair. Now, if you aren't familiar with rickshaws, they are these really small, passenger carts that usually only fit two people, and to fit a third person, one has to 1. pay more, and 2. the third person has to sit very precariously on top of the chair, while the second person actually sits on it. It's pretty damn dangerous. So, of course I did. That was my first time doing something risky. As we were riding, I could see the big, well-lit streets from being perched above, could hear my dad and my little sister talk, and feel the wind blowing on my face. I was experiencing the sheer thrill of doing something I'd never done before. I had so many memories growing up, and yet, this is the only one that's survived. In fact, this image still comes to me every morning during my gratitude practice, and day by day, the image has been getting stronger.
THAT is such a strong memory for me, and I realize that it's because that's when I was able to drop in and see and feel the pure magic of the world and of life, the gift of experiencing being a human. I held no judgments and I didn't have any preoccupied thoughts. There was no distraction. I was just in awe. And it's this word that I've rediscovered recently, and it's this word that has been helping me navigate this new journey of my life.
I can't recall too many other memories of being awestruck between that time on the rickshaw and until I was about 11 or 12. I was in a private preparatory academy, and this beautiful girl would always sit close to me. She had such beautiful skin, and she spoke in such a quiet voice. After a few days, I realized that I was in love. So much so that I spent a whole night writing my first love letter instead of doing my assignments. I won't get into what came out of it, but I'll say that when I think back to that moment, I could feel the writing pour out of me. It didn't feel like a chore, or something that I was doing against my will. That letter was going to be written, no matter what, and I was just the vessel for it. And it felt AMAZING. Again, I had a lot of memories during that time (I am human and I see, hear, say, and feel), but the only one that I've been able to resurrect has been me writing that letter. What's in common between the two memories is how neither of them felt like me having to push for something, how both just flowed, and how both felt like pure magic emanating from within and around me.
After that love letter, my life became formulaic. I moved countries, went to school, graduated from school, went to college, graduated from college, and then got a job. Lots of things happened in between, but one of the constant themes growing up then was feeling frustrated, helpless, angry, and upset. Not sure at what, but I wasn't happy. And it showed in my relationships, my career, and within myself.
I guess the feeling I had being on that rickshaw was dormant, but never fully gone, because subconsciously, I started asking and looking for things to create that feeling of being awestruck again. I experimented with people, drugs, conscious events, travels, experiences, and in the process, collected moments of awe. One of these moments of awe was the time I spent at Burning Man. I was in a world of creativity, diversity, and ultimate awe. Another moment was travelling on a whim to Kaua'i and finding amazing people to spend time with. And another was selling my car and buying a camper van named Rosie to travel in the US and then moving up to Canada with. The most recent moment of awe was being on a paddleboard, surrounded by around 50 curious seals, as the sun was setting in Sunshine Coast, BC! These are memories so strong and so powerful, and they happened without any planning, any doing, any tension . The universe created these moments, and I just had to be open to receive it.
As I've been collecting these moments of awe within myself, I'm realizing that I can use this as a reservoir for courage, to make bold decisions, and to take leaps of great faith. Recently, I started to transition away from working in tech to being a coach. As much as that felt like a calling, I was afraid of taking that step. I never successfully worked for myself. I never didn't work in some traditional sector. I never had a business of my own! But as I closed my eyes and touched my heart, I could feel her beating, and the cells in my body vibrating as I was re-struck by the awe that I've been lucky enough to experience in this life. And then, I knew what would give me more of that feeling, and what wouldn't. And from that place, I was able to take actions that felt new, strange, and uncomfortable at first, but in reality, were the right ones all along, just waiting to be discovered. With my newfound courage, I am now a sole proprietor, coaching for myself under Innate Courage Coaching, and even had a conversation at my tech job to start coaching there! With my moments of awe that have kinesthesized into newfound courage, I am moving further away from my community, from what I've known for a few years, to pursue something that feels right, being in a lush forest, living with harmony in nature, and experiencing more awe. When I close my eyes and touch my heart, she beats strongly. When I close my eyes and feel my body, I can feel the cells singing and vibrating throughout. When I close my eyes and feel myself, I feel like a child, smiling, being giddy, and being in awe.
So, since I know I can experience my awe, I know you can too. When was the last time you felt in awe? Of your life? Of this world?
